i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I am spending my child support on dildos
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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