Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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