Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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