Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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