I think i peed on brittanys purse
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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