Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
