Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(443): View more from Maryland

So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!

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(419): View more from Ohio

Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.

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(206): View more from Washington

He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it

(253): View more from Washington

The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence

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