he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
