The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
