Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
