even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
