I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
