you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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