its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
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Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
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I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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