if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
