I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
