U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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