Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
