today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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