i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
