I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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