i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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