She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
