he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
