Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
everyone is single if you try hard enough
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
