someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
