thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
