awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
