I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
false alarm. still invincible.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
