I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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