Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
