Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I am naked and annoyed.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
