What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
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