I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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