just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
