youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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