When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We got so high we made milksteak
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
