Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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