True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The uberlube is also flammable
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize