your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
