Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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