I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
