The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
