I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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