im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
