I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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