When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
