i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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