I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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