She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
