Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
