you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
