By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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