I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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