I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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