my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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