Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
