JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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