You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
